beyond frustrated...

i really, REALLY want to do something about my body. i signed up for the national body challenge on the discovery channel's website. here's the problem... when you sign up for things like that, they give you a meal plan. "HERE'S YOUR HEALTHY MENU!" it shrieks at me from the top of the page. problem is, the menu consists of a whole bunch of shit that currently resides at the grocery store, and not in my kitchen. how can i do this when everything seems to be working against me? i cannot afford to run out and buy chicken and fish and fresh produce every couple of days... WTF.i have $270 to last me the next 2 and a half weeks. this is not working. fuck.

here we go...

so, i don't really know how many times i have said "i'm serious about this"... but i think last night was a giant wake up call. i'm getting married. in a year, if all works out. which means that in about 6 months, i'm going to need to have a wedding dress. which in turn means that i'm going to need to be the size i want to be for my wedding. i was thinking yesterday that i feel like i've lost a little weight, just due to stress and being too busy on some days to eat. if i can keep up a little momentum, and not do anything stupid (like going shopping for pants and being disappointed in how big i am and then getting depressed and gorging myself) i might be able to do this. i'm trying to get kevin to work with me a little bit... that'll help i think. i also looked into the kettlebell workout thing you told me about. i'm going to need to go to target and pick on up. i'm really excited. i hate that i can't tell anyone. i'm so retarded- i just want to change my relationship status on facebook. lol. then i started thinking last night about all the stuff we have to do... holy crap. i'm really overwhelmed. i want you to know, though, that this isn't going to be a "normal" maid of honor job. i think there will be way less to do. ok, i've gotten completely off track and turned this into crazy bridal blog. losing weight- #1 goal. here i go.

first workout in a while

i got new shoes, so i'm back to working out. shoes aren't broken in though, obviously, and now i have a nasty blister on my right achiles after walking 3.4 miles in an hour. i have a good workout playlist with some angry, fast-paced stuff, as well as some feel-good type shit that gets me all hyped up. also, i saved some workout videos in my netflix queue that i can do when it's too disgustingly hot and humid out to walk down to the fitness room. i'm looking into some exercises to do on the weight machines and stability balls to get some variety and keep myself from losing interest in just walking all the time. yep.

back once again...

yo yo yo... starting this thing back up for the long haul. hope you'll be right here with me.

here's what i'm thinking: i don't like how i look in pictures these days. i look completely different than i did before i gained all this weight. i used to think i was pretty... i don't anymore. it's going to be more than a little bit difficult to keep a good diet going, since i'm living with kevin and working in a bakery, i always have access to crap food. so, this is going to be WAY more of an effort to keep myself on a good workout routine. i know that if i use a little will power, i can stay on track cause when i work at it, i work hard.

here we go.